Scared to death and barely breathing.
“What have I done?”
Selfish decisions have jeopardized this grace.
Nearly down for the count.
Ready to sign on the dotted line.
Unsure of what was happening or with who.
Respectful of an adversary,
the upside appears flawless.
Unlimited options and power.
Oh, but those costs…
Seen better days, I lament.
Mind bent on chasing truths.
Soul tortured but burning bright.
They waive a farewell friend goodbye,
“ambitious fella” they say,
on my silver anniversary.
Ripping violently, the veil from my eyes.
The mirror, no longer a friend,
reflecting only what’s missing.
This fear, reminds me of the consequences.
If not for the Grace, an entirely different path was eminent.
Instead, acknowledging my power, I’m recharged!
Empowered and emboldened.
Exposure to choose only reinforces my prior commitment.
Grace and love, with no guarantees.
Only faith.
Faith and energy now directed purposefully.
An ensuing relentless vision guiding each new step.
Resolved, I hone.
Testing my mettle.
And I find,
weakness in my strength,
power in my spirit,
depth to my soul,
glory in this pain.
Turning inside out,
chasing, pacing, spinning, searching, asking…
“breath child, there’s an endless abyss, an infinite space,
you have so much left to learn”.
Looking up, down and forward for guidance.
I carry on, exploring,
the depths of my heart,
the darkness in my mind,
the light of my spirit,
the wisdom of this soul,
the intellect of my brain.
Collectively, a maddening journey.
Night becomes day, day becomes night.
Choking down another dragon.
A peace treaty seems like an easy way out of this.
This puzzle becomes more difficult.
Praying for tools and resources.
Things haven’t been okay lately.
The conclusions are scary.
No longer sure where to go for answers.
I look to my soul.
Alive and confused.
Shaken, yet embattled.
But still confident that this path is worthy, and so we carry on.
What to expect now, is there a breaking point?
It’s been so hard falling apart.
What was once a ticket out,
is now the price of admission.
Embraced by Grace, and a long time coming.
We’re all in agreement.
Will not be a simple journey.
A complex and changing course.
Light warms and deceives.
A sensation that healing’s abound…
Alive and well for now.
To hold onto this light.
Synchronized and forged into my consciousness.
A weapon to many.
Misguided and distracted for so long now.
But the time approaches.
One cannot prevent destiny.
This truth within us.
Passed down from the beginning of time.
Keeping us in check, providing.
“”Protect us from ourselves sweet angels, for we have lost our way.””
“It gets easier than now”
Said answers from my past.
Looking back though, I see nothing but this blank page.
“”These damn talks always get me””
My tired mind,
staring up, down and around.
They say answers reveal to the seekers.
They’re always providing they say.
Taking it all in, energy flurrying abound.
These things, I can’t ignore them anymore.
Yet within each answer begs the next question…
Mind to hand to paper.
A former endless escape for us.
But this varied and ever-changing audience is,
forming expectations,
evolving this realty,
shaping these words,
shifting the narrative.
Distractions are among us.
These haunting quarrels in my head.
And this need to unleash becomes me.
But I haven’t traded in my truth.
Thank you to those that came long, long before me.
And with all due respect,
I’ve certainly paid the debts of enough sinners,
but a simple one on one is more than appropriate at this point.
This vibration, this light, however, she begs me to become.
And I lose track sometimes,
of just how long I’ve been out here, out there;
seeking, resolving, lamenting, contemplating.
And I know, “I’m not valuable”.
I’ve spent too much time on this already.
But there’s an inevitable part of every one of us that is looking for answers,
an indivisible part of ourselves that cannot be bought, and which can only be paid for.
Wait, false start, once again, oh my gosh!
And though these hands they clap, for the muses,
I’m erasing the flight plan indeed,
and charting a new course.
I’m speaking in tongues now,
and laying it all out on these pages before me.
“”Don’t give up on us just yet.””
A nameless path.
I should thank a friend for that.
An unconvincing gift that I admire.
A white blank page.
Another foe I suppose.
I’ve often dreamed of this.
But now I know,
with this dream, I carry these impossible truths.
An untenable story!
Aged and barreled, for forty years, boiling inside me.
What, 40 days and 40 nights were not enough?
This ever-changing, fiery face, it wants me to unfold,
a blood-red-orange glow that lights this room.
And I’m carelessly wanting more.
“I will not celebrate your eerie confidence,
or join in this empty charade.
I’m growing tired of chasing you around.
Slipping from these aging, weathered hands.
A mind’s an endless channel of questions and answers.
The creek is a river is a sea.
Carrying that around seems laborious,
should think your next steps through”
Speaking through many forms now.
And I’m still busting at the seams over it.
This unraveling has had its moments though,
as this comes and goes in waves through me.
A pathless path, to a gate-less gate.
Finding reasons to write with honor.
Because this angst burdens me so.
And I’ve barely scratched the surface.
An aching mind will bend this world we think we know.
Cause black just handed white a hand.
The raw power, a raging current, this blinding light;
through me, flowing, all this time.
And I pray, that I find the courage,
to give back, before it consumes me.
Dumb down I must confess.
Working with this unknown, a literal force of nature.
Yes, she provides, and I understand she can take back with prejudice.
If I had my way, this circle would complete.
My little ghosts, they don’t agree.
This road we’re traveling down, it’s painfully uncertain.
Ego drunken N2O.
Even he doesn’t realize.
We’re all drunk on opportunity.
“Balance son”, playing over and over in my mind,
but this skinny love keeps shattering my reality.
Culminating in greatness?
I’m no saint, numb just to be here.
If I was a simple man, through all of this,
could you still love me?
I may be offering madness, to the already insane.
Shedding light on that shadow of darkness.
But that darkness is your choice,
“choose light, find your way from there to,
and allow the beauty of opportunity to permeate that game of horror”.
What is duality really?
Could it be, that within us, there exists a struggle?
A battle for control of the physical being?
This exploration creates many more questions.
These battles of consciousness, they scurry about my spirits,
and take me to that place.
And I want to taste this madness again.
Just one more time.
Because it’s getting harder and harder to betray myself.